Beautiful title for a wicked article isn’t it? Because this article will be wicked in every way possible. Halloween is knocking on our doors and I could not possibly let this opportunity pass without some naughtiness.
Whether it’s your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, mother-in-law, that irritating colleague or colleagues, school teacher or neighbour, nothing beats a good old voodoo doll to solve all your problems, well at least some of them. Let’s face it, voodoo dolls have been put to good use for centuries, from New Orleans to Penny Dreadful’s terrifying staring dolls.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to give you a step-by-step instruction on how to make a voodoo doll, there are plenty of sites on the internet for that. What I will help you with is the ‘curses’ you can use. Harm free curses, we don’t want to wish upon anyone’s death or illness. Not that we don’t think of that sometimes but wishing it will turn the universe against us and we don’t want that! Let’s just keep it with these sweet, harmless curses. More or less…
You will need a voodoo doll. Make one or just buy a Barbie doll and creep it up a bit. Then, let the curses begin:
- Nothing ever fits! An irritating ‘friend’ around who always thinks he or she looks gorgeous and that the whole world lies at their pretty little feet? We can solve that. Dress your Voodie (let’s just call your doll that from now on) in an oversized shirt or…just wrap it up in some cloth then say the words:
‘I wish no clothing will ever look good on you, it will always be either too small or too big, too tight or too loose, too short or too long and you will never be able to smile in the fitting room ever again!’
- The fly! A friend or a so called friend who always follows you around, never lets you breathe and you can’t catch a break? Annoy the hell out of a person who always annoys you. Let them see how that feels like for a change. Grab your Voodie and make a buzzing sound in its ears. Then say the next words:
‘I wish a fly follows you everywhere whether it’s winter or summer, hot or cold, you can slap it away, kill it but it will always
revive itself and it will always buzz the nerves out of you!’
- Draught! Do you know someone who is always there to criticize and insult you and never hides his or her opinions, ‘punching’ you in the face whenever they get a chance? Well, we won’t punch, but we will be there! Blow in your Voodie’s face and say the following:
‘Always feel a draught on your face even when all doors and windows are closed. Feel the coldness on your face because that is how your hateful words feel like.’
- Bad pictures! Someone you know is always the center of the attention? Always on FB with those perfect selfies and flawless face? Hold your Voodie before your mobile as if it’s taking a selfie and say:
‘I wish you will always look bad in pictures from now on, always be caught on camera with your eyes closed, mouth open or just looking plain stupid!’
- Never find a seat. Do you know someone who is always rude to you and to the people around you? Let us repay this person for his or her rudeness.
Touch lightly the bottom of your Voodie and say:
‘I wish you never find a seat in the bus, subway, waiting rooms or any public transportation. Even when you are carrying two
bags full of groceries, no one will ever give up a seat for you!’
- Dog poo. Someone you know who always has good luck even if he or she has a horrible character? Let’s change that good luck a bit. Put some peanut butter on your Voodie’s feet and say the following:
‘I wish that you monthly (or you can make it more often depending on your mood) step in dog poo, no matter how much you try avoiding it, your shoes will always seem to love it!’
- Damaged dating. This one is perfect for an ex lover. While you are having dinner, put your Voodie on the seat before you and say the following.
‘I wish on every date you go on from now on you either sneeze while drinking, spill your drink or food, cough while eating or have a horrible urge to release gasses!’ (if you really hate them you can just wish them all of this, all at once).
Now these last two can only be used in case of emergency, for the people you really, really hate. Precaution: they are permanent and cannot be undone!
- Rainy days. Sprinkle your Voodie with water (or for the hardcores among us, spit on your Voodie) and repeat the following:
‘I wish it will always rain on your on holiday even if you go to the most warm places. A rainy cloud will always follow you and torment every vacation you try to enjoy!’
- Ugly baby. Use a marker and draw an ugly face on an egg (raw or boiled, whichever you prefer). Hold the Voodie over the egg and say the following:
‘I wish you have a very ugly baby, share his or her pictures on FB and not even be aware of how ugly it is. I wish that your baby comes out so ugly that people will actually think it’s wearing a mask on Halloween. Imagine their faces the day after!’
Now, you may think that some of these curses already apply to you as you might already be going through the fly, fitting room or bad pictures experience. Then perhaps, there is a little chance I am afraid, that you have already been cursed by someone else whether you deserved it or not. If so then you must wear an Alchemy jewellery piece on Halloween and say the following:
‘Alchemy, Alchemy, you’re my honest friend, let my curses come to an end!’
I wish you all a Happy Halloween!!!
Words by Niguanta
Curses, magic spells and potions are all important parts of Halloween. Carry your most prized potions and remedies upon your person with Alchemy’s Rod of Asclepius Pendant [P529] or slip your potion into your enemy’s drink with ease using our Dee’s Book of Angel Magic Poison Ring [R187]. For situations that require a larger amount of your special concoctions use the Alchemist Potion Bottle [AAF53]. Each curse or voodoo doll requires a drop of blood from your victim, Cesare’s Veto Faux-Stretcher [E257] with its red Swarovski crystal droplet of blood will help provide that for you.